Journey Toward Nonviolence 2: Learning the Limits of Our Love
Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 6:04PM | in Journey Toward Nonviolence, Love This post is part of a larger series. To learn more, click here.
I was sitting on the plane flying home from Philadelphia in January when I read these words by Mary Lou Williams: “The secret of life is to love everyone.”
This is so simple and true, isn’t it? We say our faith is about loving God and loving others. We believe love compelled the God of the universe to meet us here in human skin. And I’ve been noticing that the more I grow in my capacity to love, the more I see new life birthed into every moment that love fills.
Love heals. It changes us. It unites. It offers hope. Love really is the secret of life.
But I’m not perfect at it. No one is.
When I don’t love people, it’s because I’m trying to preserve and promote my own self. When I’m perplexed about how to love someone, it’s usually because I don’t trust God with them and with the outcome.
— 18 January 2009, My Year with Gandhi Journal
I can clearly recall moments when I haven’t loved well. When I’ve been irritated at the first person in line at the grocery store because they couldn’t remember their PIN number and kept on holding up the line. When someone I cared about was tired but I bulldozed into a conversation anyway because I had something I wanted to share. These are moments of caring more about myself and my own needs than about the other person.
Then there are times I’m not sure what it looks like to love someone well. It could be an estranged relationship. Or someone shut down toward the faith. I find that I don’t always know how to move toward these people in my life. This is because I’m mentally managing the situation too much, not yet trusting them or the outcome entirely into God’s hands, not yet loving them with a pure heart and zero agenda.
Love is the catalyzing force of the universe. And when we live inside this posture of love, everything else comes alive. But we’re continually bumping up against our learning curves.
What about you: What keeps you from loving well?
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Reader Comments (4)
"What about you: What keeps you from loving well?" You asked, so I tell. What keeps me from loving well? Irritability+Wal-Mart=Disaster. So, here is story of my not so loving nor pleasant side. Question- Why does Wal-Mart seem to bring out the devil in me? You can envision the incredible hulk in mid transformation. He starts to turn green and burst from his clothing. This is what happens to me the moment I step into the Wal-Mart parking lot. So, the other day I am walking into Wally world and I was in a very unpleasant mood and there stood the Salvation Army bell ringer from hell.
When I am already irritated, bell ringing at any volume is not conducive to bringing out my more docile side. Anyway, this was the most zealous bell ringer that I have ever encountered and that blasted bell was sooooo loud. I walked into the store grumbling and envisioning shoving that bell..............ahem! Moving right along. Nuff said.
NOT the loving pattern of thought. Oh, and I like your comment thing down there. Maybe that keeps things a little more organized for readers. This is all your world do what makes you happy.
Response from Christianne: I hear you, Tammy, about irritability compounding already stressful situations. I am no fun to be around when I'm irritable! And I could practically hear that ringer's bell when you described it ... as well as visualize your Incredible Hulk transformation. :)
I'm going to try bolding my comment responses in the original comments this way for a while and see how it goes. Seems like it would be easier to find a response this way. The colors and text on this comment section seem to start bleeding together after a while.
I am really good at not loving well. There are several reasons why I am so good at being bad at love. The one that I believe GOD is highlighting right now in me is busyness. I am coming to terms with the truth that it is really hard to love and be lovely in the fast lane. It is in slowing that love seems to emerge best.
Response from Christianne: I love how you shared that, Dan: "It is really hard to love and be lovely in the fast lane." I agree that love can emerge best through slowing ... perhaps because we have time to think things through and be intentional.
I do wonder if, at some point, we can get so full of God's love that it pours from our skin no matter what speed we are flying. It would be encouraging to learn that we can someday become love in any situation, instead of having the situation influence whether we're able to love.
Hmmm . . . for me, it's hardest to love people who I perceive as threatening to me, particularly when that's a posture I've seen them take before. Feeling like I'm cornered, like I have to defend myself or else somehow agree with their assessment makes it hard for me to love them, because I feel like I have to keep my own head above water before I can care for them.
Response from Christianne: Sarah, I hear you. It's that feeling of needing to self-protect for known reasons. And that feeling of not being respected as a unique individual with your own views and perceptions. When I'm in a situation like that, it's like I'm suddenly warped into a head game instead of a real relationship or conversation. I agree that's a tough one.
Love requires sacrifice. It requires laying down pride, laying down "rights", laying down what I "deserve". I usually have little desire to give up these things, mostly because they make me feel safe and powerful. I don't want to risk feeling un-safe and un-powerful.
Response from Christianne: Hi, Katy. I hear you connecting to that inherent feeling of justice. Wanting to retain your personhood, wanting to have full rights and dignity as an individual. This is what each person inherently deserves. Perhaps the fear is that by giving up those rights, that sense of personhood will be lost. On top of that, there comes the fear of being taken advantage of in that vulnerable place.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, too. I am coming to believe that we can grow in our ability to love without fearing these consequences and without feeling like we're losing our rights. In a sense, we come to a place where choosing to love is an exercise of our personhood, not a loss of it, and where we are somehow removed from the consequences because our choice comes from a place that is not attached to the outcome. But I think it takes a process of strengthening on the inside of us to get there, and that takes time and intentionality. I'm still working out what that intentionality really looks like.