I was laying in bed this morning, contemplating the words my spiritual director wrote on my Facebook wall for my birthday today.
She called me her friend “who adores Jesus.”
First of all, I love that she knows me so well — knows that I am indeed in love with Jesus and that I find my life revolving around him more and more with each passing day.
But it also got me thinking about my session with her last week, in which we discussed the true self and the false self. In that session, she had recalled for me what my true self really looks like. I was reminded that my true self walks and talks and sits with Jesus. I remembered that my true self twirls and dances with Jesus.
And I realized this morning: my true self is not self-conscious at all.
I could see so clearly that in those places where I walk and talk and sit and dance and twirl with Jesus, I’m not focused on myself at all. I don’t care what I look like, nor am I judging at all what I’m saying or doing. I’m aware of those things, obviously, but not focused on them.
I’m not the main thing. Jesus is.
He is the focus of my attention, the one of whom I can never seem to get enough.
What he looks like, what he says, how he looks at me, what his gestures are like, how he smiles, what he looks like when he’s thinking or when he’s listening, the ways he teaches and guides or corrects me … all of him captivates my attention.
In this place, there’s no need or room to be self-conscious.
It’s a wonderfully relieving place to be — not to be preoccupied with myself, but to be concerned fully, instead, with him.
Have you ever experienced un-self-consciousness? What was that experience like for you?