how it started

how do i begin to tell you what is going on with me? the past four days have been a roller coaster, to say the least. i feel the focus of my life shifting due north, to a place called home. and i want to tell you this story, but i feel so bereft of words and energy. all that i have has been pulled full-stop out of me through the course of these few days.

but i will try.

it began a week ago thursday, when kirsten was here. we've taken to calling this day of our visit "that thursday" because God shocked both of our systems that day.

for me, it began with an unassuming saunter into the front room after a thwarted attempt to take a nap. kirsten was sitting at the table in the quiet, organizing her digital photos on her computer. i sat down and promptly began what i can only call a spontaneous, surprising, unanticipated, unknown-even-to-me confession.

i told her that i had put my business idea on a high shelf about two months ago, that i'd left it there ever since, that i've been afraid to even think about it, much less talk about it, even much less take it back down, that just thinking about it brings me so much shame and pain. i told her that i have no idea what i'm doing with my life or what God wants from me. i told her that all i know is that i love people's hearts so much that it hurts, that all i want to do is sit with people where they are, helping them discover what that place even is and what God has for them there, that this is what fills my heart so full.

and then i confessed something even i didn't know until that moment: that i care more about being with people in these scared and overgrown places than i care about writing words. which basically means that if i had to choose between writing books and articles for the rest of my life or sitting with people in their deep heart places, petitioning the Holy Spirit for discernment and asking for his dispensation of grace through the whole of it, all i would say in return to that ultimatum is, tell me where those people are.

it was a big admission.

by this time, i was crying huge tears, blubbering all over the place. and my beautiful kirsten friend did the most inspired thing she could have possibly done in that moment. she simply asked, "can i pray for you?" so she prayed, and i prayed. tiny words to a big God.

like i said, this is where it consciously began, just over a week ago. (even though i know it's been percolating a long time more than that.) but i think that's a sufficient tidbit to get us started for now, because sharing the rest of the story is still going to take a lot out of me. i hope you'll be patient with me as i try.